Attitude

I pray often to have the right values, priorities, attitudes, patience, understanding, wisdom, compassion, unselfishness, humbleness, and empathy. I know that I have had shortcomings in all of these virtues and I know that satisfaction, happiness, and peace of mind all keep company in this neighborhood of thought.

To find the path to this neighborhood of thought we must first employ the right attitude. We need to find a vehicle to move us through every avenue of experience and avoid temptation to detour to the negative side of thought.

Abraham Lincoln in his wisdom is credited with this quotation "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

There is no switch to just flip on for the joy of a good attitude, if we are suffering from depression it is more important and yet harder to attain a positive attitude.

However we will have an attitude of some value whether it be positive or negative during every wakened minute of our existence, for this we can be assured. I can only speak to this from my own life history, but I know that if I find myself in conflicting thoughts about my current life situation at any particular time, I will soon begin beating my self up over decisions, and actions that haunt me from my past. My cure for this swing to negativity and depressed feelings is to count my blessings and recite or read positive scripture or devotional material, such as "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13, "If God be for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31.

We have to be on guard at all times and not dwell on ourselves but find needs in our surroundings that we can attend to according to our own limitations. It does not have to be a large commitment just as long as it is something to get our minds off our own worries. Once we have found a vehicle to move us into an area of helping others no matter how limited it may be, we can begin to explore ways to build our confidence and ability to cope with every day problems of life.

We need to find a purpose to busy ourselves with that will make a positive difference in the world, as we know it. If we do this in the Name of God it can be like a mustard seed, or the leaven in the bread dough, and grow within us as we seek peace of mind, and the Kingdom of God.

Our goal will be to improve our attitude to the point that we can go to bed at night satisfied with our day enough to let us give thanks to the Lord for having lived it, and to wake in the morning with enough gumption to ask the Lord for another good day, and to expect it.

Php 4:7 "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus."

Depression is not logical

I remember sitting there in the passenger seat, crying my eyes out while my wife drove us home from church. A grown man, four wonderful children, great wife, good job, and apparently healthy. I was emotionally drained, no appetite, no desire for any thing. I remember that whenever I would drive past a graveyard I would think how lucky the people buried in there were. Their worries were over, they had no burdens, no worries, and they were not going through what I was. Self pity to the extreme. My doctor had changed my medication after a short time on two different antidepressants, he had taken one completely away and I had gone back into serious depression in just a matter of days or maybe even hours. It was so long ago that I don't remember any thing too precise, except some of the misery. When we called and told the doctor this, he felt bad about putting me through more of what he had been trying to cure. He immediately put me back on the drug, and more time off work which gave me something more to worry about. Now this was a legitimate thing to worry about, being off work meant no income and our small savings was disappearing fast. Then my well meaning parents or others would say something negative about our situation and this would just crush me emotionally.

So it came down to if I could get my emotions under control I could work and make a living, but if the environment that I was creating was unbearable, then things just got worse. The whole point that I am trying to make here is that there is no obvious reason that a person can give for feeling the way they do, when they are suffering from depression.

At this time I really needed support. My family had patience, and was there for me, but did not understand my feelings any better than I did.

I think that this was probably about the time that I started reading the Plus devotional magazine that Norman Vincent Peale was publishing. It had stories of people overcoming emotional obstacles and positive scripture on every page. I followed Dr. Peale’s suggestions about confidence building and slowly gained ground. One time when Dr. Peale was in town speaking at a motivational seminar, I laid off work and bought tickets to go. I don't recall hearing of support groups, or seeing ads about the threat of depression. I think that I was ahead of the curve on treatment available and wide understanding of my problem. I am just lucky that I wasn't so far back in time that I was subjected to being locked up or undergoing shock treatment. Reading Dr. Peale’s material was my support group, and the scripture and prayer my therapy.

In the King James version of the Bible, book of Ephesians, chapter 6, verse 11, Paul writes to "Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil." I think that we need this armour to deal with the difficulties of life too. It could also be looked on as a tool kit. In this tool kit would be having proper values, proper priorities, positive attitude, patience, understanding, wisdom, compassion, unselfishness, humbleness, and empathy.

So whether we have armour for protection, or tools for repair and building back our damaged character and self-esteem, this is what we must strive to find and hold onto like a life ring in the ocean. I was guided to positive scripture like "Lu 11:9 And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.", " Mt 11:30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.", "Mt 11:28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.", "Phil 4:7 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.", and "Ro 8:31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?" For many years keeping scripture like this in my memory in easy reach to use when needed has been my salvation.

Years later I had been told that the medicine I was on might cause heart trouble so I asked my doctor, (who was a different doctor by this time and new to me and had been writing my prescriptions based on my medical history), to consider taking me off these meds. He wanted nothing to do with taking them away from me. He said that treating depression with these types of medication was so new, that it was not understood and if the medicine was working I should leave well enough alone. This would have been in the late nineteen eighties, ten to twelve years after my start into depression. A few months later another doctor referred me to a Psychiatrist who weaned me off the medicine a small fraction at a time. It seems that if you come off all at once it messes up your body chemistry as I suggested earlier in my writing.

So this is my story that is not over yet, as I still cope with the difficulties of life wearing the armour of God, and using my tool kit.

Why Jesus Came

Mt 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

I am being called to write my thoughts about Jesus and why he came to be known by mankind. I have been neglecting this calling for some time because I felt it to be a futile hope that any one would read any thing that I would write. However the calling does not go away so I will give witness to my observations that I believe to be of Divine Truth. I will not write any thing that isn't already written in the Scriptures as far as thought goes, I may only word it different, or expound on it.

Of course the obvious is to go right to the Gospels and read the testimony of Jesus the Christ Himself. How many times had I heard, read, or discussed what is written in Mat 5:17 Jesus proclaims that He did not come to destroy the law, but to fulfil it. I was sure that the meaning of this was too deep for my comprehension, until one day in church it came to me out of the blue how obvious it was what Jesus had already done to fulfil the law. He had become the sacrificial Lamb of God, the Lamb without blemish, even the Passover Lamb. He came to, once and for all time, reconcile mankind with his Creator and to teach how important reconciliation and forgiveness are for a person to have happiness. It is a pretty simple formula, forgive others, and seek forgiveness. I like to imagine what it would have been like to have been among that group of naive inquisitive men as Jesus The Christ instructed them. Every one of his parables could be used as an example of how to handle every day life. This philosophy of forgiveness is almost everywhere in what Jesus taught from the Lords Prayer on.

The Lords prayer could be an outline for some pretty extensive thought all by it self. Jesus tells us in scripture that he is sent by the Father, that He is in the Father, and that the Father is in Him, (John 10:38) and then elsewhere He shares with us how to converse with the Heavenly Father. He began by referring to God as our Father, and to His being in Heaven, He then showed reverence for even uttering His name.

"Our Father Which art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name"

In spite of my realization of how wrong it is to take the Lords name in vain I still do it to this day out of a habit formed while under the influence of my own egotistical pride which is reminiscent of a bridle complete with a cruel bit in my mouth, with reins held by the evil powers which still haunt mankind to this day. It is a fact that mankind's worst enemy is his own pride and ego.

His prayer continues on to be a petition for the coming of The Kingdom of God and for His will to be done on earth.

"Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in Heaven. "

Continued petition for every day security, and then a ten word phrase that encapsulates a key to peace of mind and perhaps the Kingdom of God!

"Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our
debtors."

Then further petition for guidance and protection.

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil"

Finally ending in praise and a declaration of the omnipotence of God the Father.

"For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, for ever. Amen"

It came to me, possibly from the Holy Spirit, one day of how much of a feeling of peace and of being refreshed I receive from watching a hot and tired animal take deep drinks of cool clean water, or watching a horse or cow eagerly graze in a plush pasture. I think that this is why Jesus referred more than once to the thirst satisfying living water of truth. ( John 7:37-38 ) among others, and when he asked Peter to feed his lambs or feed his sheep. ( John 21:15-16 ) Mortal man can understand these needs and fulfillment's of daily life. This message of how to find our place in God's world is not that complicated, we just have to persevere in our search.. Mt 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Thank God For Adversity

One sermon title or theme that I happen to remember hearing during the earlier time of my recovery from depression, had to do with the blessing of adversity. I now know that my bout with depression was a blessing and could only be described as adversity. The joy that I felt as I found my way out and to the shelter of my Lord would not have been possible without first suffering the extreme anguish that was there when I was separated from God by guilt.

It's obvious that we could not appreciate comfort without first experiencing discomfort, so as to know the alternative. So adversity can come in many forms I suppose, ranging all the way from an uncomfortable inconvienence, to a life long hardship dealt to one of us seemingly at random. The American College Dictionary compares adversity to affliction or misfortune, and refers to the Bible story of Job as an example. Adversity, affliction, or misfortune whatever it is, is the best evangelist there is. Because no one would come to the Lord seeking comfort and shelter without a need created by one of these. And if that afflicted person suffering from adversity or misfortune will surrender to the Lord, he will receive the power of the Holy Spirit to have a life with meaning.

2Co 1:3 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

2Co 1:4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

Joh 14:16 And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;

Joh 14:26 But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

Joh 15:26 ¶ But when the Comforter is come, whom I will send unto you from the Father, even the Spirit of truth, which proceedeth from the Father, he shall testify of me:
(KJV) Amen

Two Great Virtues

Now my days were more manageable, I began to gain little by little with every small success that might come my way. I now felt a Joy that was a product of my reconciliation with the Lord, this forgiveness thing.

I came to realize as I watched people as they carried their grudges instead of forgiving others for whatever their trespasses may have been, or those who refused to ask for forgiveness by making a simple apology to the offended.

This was what Jesus had taught about in the Lords Prayer, the prodigal son, and many other references. If we cannot forgive nor ask for forgiveness the need for reconciliation will destroy us.

Another virtue that I found to be a great boost to my morale was to help someone. One day while still struggling to gain in self confidence, I was able to push and start a stalled car after work in our parking lot. This was not a big thing , but it made me feel so good and boost my feeling of self worth so much that I still remember it today. Generosity of time in many ways can be very well received and appreciated. An act of recognition such as listening to someone who has something to say, or just a friendly smile, a wave or hello can be very important and even change a day from bad to good for some.

I think Jesus was teaching about such generosity when He told the story of the good Samaritan and other references to helping others. So it is pretty simple it seems to find the Joy of inner peace, help others, and don't carry grudges. There are many opportunities to help others by volunteering in our communities, and we can search our consciences for people that we need to forgive.

If we can find daily routines that reach for these virtues, I believe that our body chemistry will arrive back at the right ratio in time so that we can slowly back off having to supplement our bodies with antidepressants. Of course this would be for a doctor to decide. Even if you do have to stay on medication, I know that this life style that Jesus taught will lead to the Joy of Peace of Mind

Finding My Foothold

The "Holy Scriptures" are written in a form where the simple mind can find meaning, or the scholars can debate for centuries! Luckily for me I have found meaning over and over again. I grew up attending Sunday School, Church School, and having a pastor's son as best friend. After and before marriage my wife and I had a prayer life, and attended church loyally as we raised our children, so to reach out for the support of the church family at this time was not an unusual act. We had started to attend a United Methodist church when we first moved to the new community, so we were already somewhat established in the church as a family, but I had to work on Sundays so had not been there a lot. However with the recuperation time after the accident, and then another month just being mandated, I was able to attend at a time that was relevant to my spiritual needs. I don't want to paint myself as a saint because the way I grew up I could just as well be comfortable sitting in a tavern as in a church. I had since childhood had a childish prayer life always asking for life to go my way I suppose.

Now there were many, if not daily splinter incidents that happened to me as I groped in the dark of my experience, having never felt so helpless before. I remember being afraid to be alone at first, but this I overcame because it was not often that my wife left my side at this time. I had no confidence in my ability, I remember that one of my few chores was to burn the trash, so I found that there was some challenge here, and I counted the matches that it took, to see how good I could do. This was before we moved to our little farm, and I needed all the positive help that I could get to my deflated self-esteem, which was just about nonexistent at this time. This was over thirty years ago so the exact order of events as they happened has faded from my memory, but the emotional feelings that went with my everyday life are unforgettable. I was able to get copies of the “Upper Room” devotional at our church and began to read these little bits of theology every day. I remember that after I started back to work I would tear out the page after reading it in the morning and reading it again several times through the day at work if it spoke to me spiritually. This was just about the time that my Sunday school teacher introduced me to Dr. Norman Vincent Peal's devotional writings of Guidepost, and smaller booklets like one he called “Plus” magazine. I subscribed to this and still have and share my worn copies with people that I think are in need of this type of ministry.

One particular verse that Dr. Peal picked out to emphasize the positive message for every day living was from Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me.” I remember to this day one time in particular that I felt very defeated and was lifted out of a depressed state of mind only by reciting that scripture. This was only one of hundreds of times, and still today I use the reciting of that scripture to attain a positive attitude about what I am doing whether it be large or small. Another verse was Romans 8:31 "If God be for me, who can be against me", lots of times I will say this over in my mind along with "I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me" and it is amazing how much help this is to me. So as I groped and struggled in my self inflicted sentence of misery I still could not get a foothold to actually start climbing out of this dungeon. I still could not find healing for my tormented soul, I felt as forlorn as sometimes the Psalmist describes his misery. I would leave for work in the morning still feeling as though I was carrying the burdens of the whole world on my shoulders, not knowing if I would return. Even though I felt as though God was there for me, I still felt separated from Him, that something was haunting me.

Years before I had prayed very hard for the life of my oldest daughter, she was only five months old in the hospital, and very sick with a high fever. This is a story all in itself, but as it turned out I told the Lord in prayer that if He would spare my baby girl that I would quit smoking, which He did, and I after a short time reneged on. This I had forgotten about years before as this daughter was now fifteen years old and had three younger sisters, but evidently I was still carrying this guilt in my mind and it kept coming to the surface as I was trying to cope with emotions. I remember telling my wife that I was going to quit smoking to see if it would make me feel better, and her logic was that in my state of mind it could only make things worse. I had to agree, I had tried to quit before many times only to give in to my addiction. Still this burden of guilt kept getting larger and finally was the only thing that I could think of it seemed. It was coming down to the fact that I had made a bargain with God and had not kept up my end.

Now at this point I was on the bottom of my pit, I could have walked under a snake with out ducking. I had been taking my medications, and I had been in prayer constantly, but the guilt would not go away as I smoked my cigarettes. Now I don't condemn other people for smoking, that is their business, but my situation was between me and God. I will never forget when I finally surrendered to God; I was at work standing next to a running fan driven by a five thousand horsepower motor, in dirty work clothes, in a dirty power plant. I was so miserable emotionally not because of my surroundings but because of being separated from God no matter how hard I prayed to Him I was at the bottom as I said before and I didn't expect things to change really, because I knew that I didn't deserve any better, but as soon as my prayer of surrender left my lips a feeling came over me that had to be the Holy Spirit. I felt a great burden lifted from my shoulders, and I felt so clean inside that it was wonderful. This was so unexpected, this great and wonderful feeling of being forgiven. I will never doubt my connection with my Lord. The wonderful clean feeling didn't last after I began interacting with my friends at work again, but my burden of guilt being lifted and forgiven last until this day.

Praise the Lord, and it can’t be taken away from me by atheist nor others who do not like the way I interpret the Scriptures. I have love and respect for all believers who do not distort what Jesus taught, but my relationship with my Lord is very personal and not for debate. I will gladly share with the open minded and spiritually hungry, but if left alone I will not condemn others for different beliefs if they are not in my mind against the will of God. My mission is to testify.

Waking in the Dark

The doctor who was telling me that I had a mental disease called depression was not trained as a Psychiatrist, but he began treating me, seeming to have a handle on my problem. He had been our family doctor for several years, and I did have confidence in him which is important to start with when dealing with depression.
The first step was to get my body chemistry back as close to normal as possible with drugs, it seems to me, since he started me with Valium for the first week or so until the antidepressants had time to build up in my blood. I think as I look back and after I have been exposed to more doctors’ opinions, I was fortunate that this doctor was forward thinking enough to try to work with me. Of course, it could have been a disaster too if he had guessed wrong, and I had gone off the deep end becoming violent, or suicidal. He did take me off one of the meds after a short time and I went backwards for a week or so, this was how precarious my body chemistry was evidently. He apologized for putting me through another bad time. I was not that much away from a time in history, when I would have been put into an institution and subjected to shock treatments, or who knows what. I count my blessings and shudder when I think of what could have been. I was off work at this time for another month, at which time we took possession of our little eighteen acre farm, with another old farm house, but more livable and with more room and potential to become "Home". I went through quite an education, or period of growth starting at this time.

Window on my past

To this day I don't know what circumstances prompted my supervisor to send me home that day. He not only sent me home, but also had me driven home in a company car, while another employee brought my car along. I was working alone on a Sunday as, more or less, a standby electrician and it would not have been unusual if my supervisor's and my paths had not even crossed in this large power plant, let alone him coming to the realization that I was not mentally stable. Then when I arrived home to my wife and children (who I had moved out of a secure environment when I made a job change for what reason, only the Lord knows) to an old farm house miles from any familiar faces or other anchors to tie a rope of security to.

I had started on this new job over a year before and had convinced my family of four daughters and wife to move to the country. My original plan was to transfer to a power plant back in the city and remain living in our modest but new house that we had only purchased three years before, but I fell in love with the open spaces that I traveled to work through every day. Then, after only about six months on this new job, we went out on strike. I began traveling out of state to work every week while trying to arrange the purchase of a small farm in a community that I couldn't even remember hearing of before. Then, after the strike ended, with kids previously enrolled in a new school that didn't seem to offer all that they had left behind, we found ourselves living in an old rented farm house that was only waiting for the bulldozer to end it's days forever. I had been back to work a little over a month after the strike, when after working overtime for two hours on the third day of December in nineteen seventy four, which happened to be my one year anniversary at this job, I headed for home and a monumental change in my life!

It was a cold day in December and after dark, since I had punched out at six o'clock. I had the windows up, heater and radio on, and traveled the dark road home that was becoming familiar, but not yet habitual. My next recollection was pain in my ear as a doctor was trying to sew it back together, and my wife telling me that I had been hit by a train. I have only a few fuzzy glimpses of memory for that next week, at which time I was transferred to a hospital back in the city where my family doctor could treat me. One more week in the hospital and I was released to go home, back to the old rented farm house, a place for me to contemplate my situation. My attitude at this time was still fairly positive because, other than a lacerated ear and bruises and because of my seat belt, I had no broken bones or other injuries to hold me down, or so I thought. I did have a concussion that was, according to my doctor in some measurement that he referred to, more severe than he had previously seen. At every visit, which seemed to be frequent, I would quiz my doctor as to when I could go back to work.

Finally, and I'm sure against his better judgement he let me go back to work, knowing that I had a fairly large family to care for and no sick leave or sickness and accident insurance to fall back on, I am sure this pressured the doctor to send me back early. I was elated and full of confidence, until I tried to do my duties. I found that climbing a ladder was not like it had been before my injuries. My job was to evaluate electrical problems and repair, what use to be enjoyable challenges were now humbling defeats. I lost all confidence in my ability to fix anything. Fellow working mates were still too new to me to confide in for the most part, I lost my appetite, and had no thoughts for the future. I tried to convey to my wife my feelings of despair, but didn't have even the ability to communicate my feelings because I didn't understand what was happening to me. I learned later that the cards were stacked against me because without knowing it I had set myself up for a bout with depression. Job change, community change, head injury, time to brood over life at a standstill without productivity, magnified failure at my job, all of this came to a head, and I was near panic inside about what I had done to my family.

I got out of the company car, bid a thank-you and farewell to the two fellow workers who had seen that I got safely home, and went in to a surprised wife and four daughters ranging in age from seven to fourteen. As soon as I fell into the arms of my poor wife I surprised my self by beginning to sob. My wife not knowing what was going on took me to a bed and had me to lay down and try to calm down. She said that she didn't know what to do, and at that same moment without any time to waste my eleven-year-old daughter screamed with pain from another bedroom where she had been playing. She showed us a very large splinter that she had run up under her finger nail from the floor of the old farm house, it was obvious that she needed to go to the emergency room and I could not stay alone in my emotional state so we all went. I am sorry that my little girl had to endure such pain, but I think that this whole day was unfolding as to the working plan of my Lord. When we arrived at the hospital it so happened that the very doctor who had treated me after my accident with the train had already been called in on another emergency on this very day. Being familiar with my head injury he felt confident in treating me. He gave me a shot of some sedative to calm me down and referred me back to my family doctor in the city where we went the next day. This is where I was told that I had a mental disease ( DEPRESSION). My wife was very strong and tolerant to stand by me through all of this and it couldn't have been easy for my daughters either!

My Climb Out

As I look back at my climb out of depression, or the Lord bringing me out of depression, I can see that it was and is a very positive part of my life. I learned things about myself and human nature that could not be learned any other way. It has been a series of experiences that I can only believe were part of Gods plan for my life. The bottom of my pit was over thirty years ago and I have pondered where my life would have gone without this struggle. I can truly say I think that I am better off having traveled through this valley with the Lord, than had I not endured it.

Depression Is;

Depression is a mental health problem caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. (I feel like a second grader trying to answer a question on a survey.) How ever I have been there and I know that if you have clinical depression and can have a working understanding of what is happening to you it is easier to overcome. Emotions and attitude are so important in the makeup of your body chemistry, problems such as stomach ulcers or high blood pressure have been attributed to problems of personality such as becoming outraged over smaller details of life, which in turn possibly added acid or adrenalin at the wrong time, which is body chemistry. I believe that stress from loss of stability in life routines, such as divorce, job loss, injuries that limit productivity, and health problems, if they are great enough can change our attitude to the point of our brooding body changing chemical makeup in our brain. Be it ever so slightly, but still enough to destroy our self esteem and self confidence. Medication can restore this chemical imbalance to some degree, but only our own wonderfully designed body can make this chemical mix at the right ratio. This is where prayer, faith, and positive scripture can make the difference, and it did for me, praise The Lord.

Still depressed

Even tho I haven't taken medication in probably over twenty years I still feel the grip, maybe not any where near like the bad times, but the grip of depression upon rising almost every morning. Fortunately I know how to deal with it, I go to the Lord in prayer asking for a good day, and I read a devotional like "Upper Room" +++++++++++++where there is almost always some positive scripture included. Then on with another day of coping with life where I know that I am very fortunate to have my circumstances. My depressed attitude is usually gone by this time, life is good!