Finding My Foothold

The "Holy Scriptures" are written in a form where the simple mind can find meaning, or the scholars can debate for centuries! Luckily for me I have found meaning over and over again. I grew up attending Sunday School, Church School, and having a pastor's son as best friend. After and before marriage my wife and I had a prayer life, and attended church loyally as we raised our children, so to reach out for the support of the church family at this time was not an unusual act. We had started to attend a United Methodist church when we first moved to the new community, so we were already somewhat established in the church as a family, but I had to work on Sundays so had not been there a lot. However with the recuperation time after the accident, and then another month just being mandated, I was able to attend at a time that was relevant to my spiritual needs. I don't want to paint myself as a saint because the way I grew up I could just as well be comfortable sitting in a tavern as in a church. I had since childhood had a childish prayer life always asking for life to go my way I suppose.

Now there were many, if not daily splinter incidents that happened to me as I groped in the dark of my experience, having never felt so helpless before. I remember being afraid to be alone at first, but this I overcame because it was not often that my wife left my side at this time. I had no confidence in my ability, I remember that one of my few chores was to burn the trash, so I found that there was some challenge here, and I counted the matches that it took, to see how good I could do. This was before we moved to our little farm, and I needed all the positive help that I could get to my deflated self-esteem, which was just about nonexistent at this time. This was over thirty years ago so the exact order of events as they happened has faded from my memory, but the emotional feelings that went with my everyday life are unforgettable. I was able to get copies of the “Upper Room” devotional at our church and began to read these little bits of theology every day. I remember that after I started back to work I would tear out the page after reading it in the morning and reading it again several times through the day at work if it spoke to me spiritually. This was just about the time that my Sunday school teacher introduced me to Dr. Norman Vincent Peal's devotional writings of Guidepost, and smaller booklets like one he called “Plus” magazine. I subscribed to this and still have and share my worn copies with people that I think are in need of this type of ministry.

One particular verse that Dr. Peal picked out to emphasize the positive message for every day living was from Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me.” I remember to this day one time in particular that I felt very defeated and was lifted out of a depressed state of mind only by reciting that scripture. This was only one of hundreds of times, and still today I use the reciting of that scripture to attain a positive attitude about what I am doing whether it be large or small. Another verse was Romans 8:31 "If God be for me, who can be against me", lots of times I will say this over in my mind along with "I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me" and it is amazing how much help this is to me. So as I groped and struggled in my self inflicted sentence of misery I still could not get a foothold to actually start climbing out of this dungeon. I still could not find healing for my tormented soul, I felt as forlorn as sometimes the Psalmist describes his misery. I would leave for work in the morning still feeling as though I was carrying the burdens of the whole world on my shoulders, not knowing if I would return. Even though I felt as though God was there for me, I still felt separated from Him, that something was haunting me.

Years before I had prayed very hard for the life of my oldest daughter, she was only five months old in the hospital, and very sick with a high fever. This is a story all in itself, but as it turned out I told the Lord in prayer that if He would spare my baby girl that I would quit smoking, which He did, and I after a short time reneged on. This I had forgotten about years before as this daughter was now fifteen years old and had three younger sisters, but evidently I was still carrying this guilt in my mind and it kept coming to the surface as I was trying to cope with emotions. I remember telling my wife that I was going to quit smoking to see if it would make me feel better, and her logic was that in my state of mind it could only make things worse. I had to agree, I had tried to quit before many times only to give in to my addiction. Still this burden of guilt kept getting larger and finally was the only thing that I could think of it seemed. It was coming down to the fact that I had made a bargain with God and had not kept up my end.

Now at this point I was on the bottom of my pit, I could have walked under a snake with out ducking. I had been taking my medications, and I had been in prayer constantly, but the guilt would not go away as I smoked my cigarettes. Now I don't condemn other people for smoking, that is their business, but my situation was between me and God. I will never forget when I finally surrendered to God; I was at work standing next to a running fan driven by a five thousand horsepower motor, in dirty work clothes, in a dirty power plant. I was so miserable emotionally not because of my surroundings but because of being separated from God no matter how hard I prayed to Him I was at the bottom as I said before and I didn't expect things to change really, because I knew that I didn't deserve any better, but as soon as my prayer of surrender left my lips a feeling came over me that had to be the Holy Spirit. I felt a great burden lifted from my shoulders, and I felt so clean inside that it was wonderful. This was so unexpected, this great and wonderful feeling of being forgiven. I will never doubt my connection with my Lord. The wonderful clean feeling didn't last after I began interacting with my friends at work again, but my burden of guilt being lifted and forgiven last until this day.

Praise the Lord, and it can’t be taken away from me by atheist nor others who do not like the way I interpret the Scriptures. I have love and respect for all believers who do not distort what Jesus taught, but my relationship with my Lord is very personal and not for debate. I will gladly share with the open minded and spiritually hungry, but if left alone I will not condemn others for different beliefs if they are not in my mind against the will of God. My mission is to testify.

Waking in the Dark

The doctor who was telling me that I had a mental disease called depression was not trained as a Psychiatrist, but he began treating me, seeming to have a handle on my problem. He had been our family doctor for several years, and I did have confidence in him which is important to start with when dealing with depression.
The first step was to get my body chemistry back as close to normal as possible with drugs, it seems to me, since he started me with Valium for the first week or so until the antidepressants had time to build up in my blood. I think as I look back and after I have been exposed to more doctors’ opinions, I was fortunate that this doctor was forward thinking enough to try to work with me. Of course, it could have been a disaster too if he had guessed wrong, and I had gone off the deep end becoming violent, or suicidal. He did take me off one of the meds after a short time and I went backwards for a week or so, this was how precarious my body chemistry was evidently. He apologized for putting me through another bad time. I was not that much away from a time in history, when I would have been put into an institution and subjected to shock treatments, or who knows what. I count my blessings and shudder when I think of what could have been. I was off work at this time for another month, at which time we took possession of our little eighteen acre farm, with another old farm house, but more livable and with more room and potential to become "Home". I went through quite an education, or period of growth starting at this time.